How To Feel Pounds Lighter Without Losing Any Weight

Last night I hit the wall. For a few months I have been trying to have it all, do it all, and be the best while simultaneously not creating any income or moving forward in any significant way. Last night it all became too much, and I realized why everything had seemed so hard.

I have high standards. I have high expectations for the people I work with and for. It should go without saying that I also hold myself to those standards. But it had gotten out of control. I had found myself reacting defensively to anyone who reached out to me. Everyone wanted my time, but just to have it on hold. I was living in limbo. An e-mail would arrive and my first thought would be, in modern parlance, "WTF? Now I have to deal with this?" Not, "Gee, it sure is nice that someone out there thinks of me and needs my help or requests my presence." Where was my gratitude? Where was my kindness? I was stuck in a cycle of ego-fulfillment, rather than living a life of giving and receiving.

Last night I cried, because I realized how mean I have been. I thought about the look I put on my face (yes! I know I'm doing it!) to register my disgust and disappointment, and I knew I had done it to people I think of as friends, to strangers, even to myself. Passive aggressive superior muscle-flexing. But what is so superior about thinking you're better than someone else? I'm not better than anyone else. (No one else is better than me, either, don't get it twisted.) I'm so sorry that I hurt anyone's feelings. I don't want to be that person anymore.

How could I move forward if I was pushing everything away from me? How can I receive what I want if I can't give it away? I'm done with "Yes, but." I'm on to just "Yes." I felt tamped down into the ground. Now I feel like I'm walking a foot off the pavement.